A Holy Darkness

I have wanted to share about a personal growth Journey that I've been on, but I'm consistently stymied by the task. It's been such a significant part of my life now. Who I am is actually the same as always ... but it's as if I spent years turning myself inside out to see what I could not before... so now I look & feel nothing like the person I was, even a year ago - let alone five or six years back. I've longed to share what I've experienced. I want to teach much of what I've learned. I wish somehow to have a person sit with me and ask all of the right questions so that I can be prompted in my sharing... maybe because I'm overwhelmed with where to start and how much to lay out... but also because I don't really know what people want to know - and that's assuming they have interest at all!

Of course I also get hung up on this expectation of the people who will say, "what qualifications do you have to share these things with any authority?" ... I believe I have far more qualifications than are even relevant, but by and large these are life-badges - not diplomas and professional degrees. They are the wounds that have healed, and experiences that have altered. These qualifications are from being human ... which is where I meet people in sharing about my darkness; and in hearing about theirs too. Mine is a story of a narrow gate, of mysticism and miracles, of demons and dragons and healers. I've spent time - far more than I had planned - in the Fire Swamp* (and having just recently broken through the edge to the other side, I'm frankly watching diligently to keep Humperdink's 6-fingered henchman from snatching me up, and throwing me promptly into the Pit Of Despair).

My story is now about freedom, and knowledge, and love. I understand things that I never dreamed existed. I feel more deeply than I knew was possible. I find joy in embracing the parts of me that I had been trained to hide. I also believe that my Journey in this life IS my life. There is no point of destination. It is not linear. There's not a list with boxes to check. Most of the time there was no order or steps to follow. Only to sit with what comes, and diligently pursue what is on the other side of each door I come to. Often I loop back and find myself sitting with the same question... but from a different vantage point. Eventually, I learned how to sink into myself in new ways; and in that space I found answers that I needed. Not always the answers to the questions I asked, but always the answers I needed for that moment. I found the Knowing that comes with being still - granted, only because a global pandemic made me discover that stillness had yet to be known in me.

I long to share my story, because God kept putting stories in front of me like magical keys that unlocked chambers within me. Gates opened to new passages with every single one of them. My journey stretched on and the things that others shared kept lighting lampposts that illuminated more of my blind spots, and encouraged me to press on when there was more for me to know. The vulnerability of other people constantly & continually paved a way forward for me to step into being human. The very human I was born to be. Sharing is what we are here to do. We're not here to fix people!! We're here to love them, and help them, as they work on themselves. I want to help others who are wanting to heal themselves and get real about the Journey that is our existence.

I want all of this for one core reason. LOVE.

I believe we are here to experience it. Here in life. Here in human form. I believe that it is the sincerest and most essential element in existence, and our entire purpose is to know it as fully as possible.

I believe that we are in a time and place that is shifting towards it, and that this shift will be monumental in scale - unfathomable, even. I believe that those whom embrace it and live for it, instead of mundane material matters, and the ridiculous measures of status that come with them, will find the wonders that are meant to be our reward.

Love is power. It is power to, and power with... but never power over. It's the power that is made greater with every inch that it covers. Every breath that breathes it in will heal. Every moment that holds it will expand. Every soul that knows it will come to life.

LOVE IS THE NARROW GATE.

There. I said it.

To know and understand the glory of all that is created, and all that will be, you must posses LOVE. You must find within yourself the spark of it. Get still and sit in your darkness until you are so still that you feel Love open inside you. It's why you can't be afraid and still find it. You have to sit in your holy darkness, and know all of it without fear. You make peace with your own humanity; and then Love speaks. There love will reach your soul, and when you breathe it in, it fills you with a new life. Every time.

Love is the very reason we must sit with ourselves - over, and over again. Love is why we have to try to grow, and change, and be better. Without going within and sorting through all that we've kept there, we can't begin to release what doesn't belong, and make space for what does. We cannot find the hidden wounds that snatch our breath. Healing them is not possible, because we haven't brought them into the light. We have to sort out all that we have held in place of love. It all must be seen and understood... and then let go. At least that is how it works for me.

Maybe another reason why I want to share about my Journey into Love, is that much of what helped me is thought of as mysticism and ... well, magic.

The powerful things of God that "Godly" people can easily fear. If I had not opened myself to these wonders with curiosity, I would never have come to know what I do now. I am only as big as I allow myself to be, and every barrier I kept held me in. I had to apply my faith to things bigger than what I could understand. I had to reach into spaces outside of what I had known, to know more about the spaces I can occupy - in my soul. I had to step out of the boat to walk where feet "can't." I had to stand on the truth that God speaks to us in ways that are all around us - seen and unseen. I had to consider that there were lessons on how to be a divine human in the greater creation that is the actual heavens - even below the earth's surface, and in the depths of the sea. All of it is like a map and an encyclopedia all whipped up together. It's far bigger than words, and it speaks into the deepest parts of who I am. It reflects what we are as a creation, and as a whole. We are one with each other. We are the same, and the way back to each other is by going within and taking ahold of who we each are individually.

That's right, I am my own responsibility. When I sit on my meditation mat in front of my sweet little alter space, I light a candle of intention. That intention - each and every time - is to make that time about me. Not about any other person, or what they have or have not done. That is theirs, and not my responsibility. I take responsibility for myself by turning towards the good in me that is Love. I take responsibility for myself by inspecting the darkest parts of my humanness and holding it up to that Love. I become Love - Divine Love - every time I allow for that to be my reality.

I am not a saint. I am not a guru. I am a human. I am a loved creation who is striving to embody that love more fully, and therefore reflect it outwards. I long to do that to the degree that shines into the darkness of others, and helps them find in themselves the same. It's our calling to do so, and the urgency at which we seek it is equal to the measure to which grows in the world.

It's not a coincidence that I'm writing this on the night of the Winter Solstice. Tonight is the darkest night of the year. I'm going to leave you with this message of hope as the Sun turns and makes its way back to us for another season in our Journey. Believe in the Love that can find your deepest and darkest places. Have faith in the work waiting for you there. When you sense your own Knowing, lean into it and understand how fearfully and wonderfully you have been made. Then step into a life you were called to. Bringing that Love out into the entire world.

John 1:1-5

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. All things were created through him, and apart from him not one thing was created that has been created. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. That light shines in the darkness, and yet the darkness did not overcome it.

1 John 4:18

Love is not yet perfect in one who is afraid.

The following is one more thing that I want to give tonight - my own personal prayer which I utilize similarly to "The Lord's Prayer" - I just made it my own. Praying this helps me come home to myself and my soul, to sit in Love:

My Father within me, I honor your name. May your love flow among us, and your will live within us. You erase our every need, and you forgive us as we strive to forgive those who wound us. Your guiding light leads me into your everlasting love. In you I belong, you alone are my strength, and you carry me in your glory, forever and ever. Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Teach me to love myself more today, so that I might love You with more of myself. May I, in doing so, better reflect your perfect love towards every person I encounter. Make me a mirror of that Love today . Holy Father, Breath of Life, let it be.

*Fire Swamp / Humperdink / Pit Of Despair are from the movie, The Princess Bride, for those unaware... now go watch it!